The Seventy-two Virgins . . . Heaven or Hell ?

When, like Mohammed, you're inventing a new religion, one of the most difficult things is coming up with those snappy new gimmicks to attract followers. Unfortunately, Mohammed was living in the seventh century and was handicapped by the fact that T.V. and the Internet with all their high-tech bells and whistles hadn't been invented yet, so he was forced to fall back on pandering to basic human frailties like greed, lust, aggression and so on.

One day while he was enduring his annual bath, he, like Archimedes before him (who actually spent a lot of time in the suds), was struck by a magnificent inspiration, solving a problem of "hooking" new converts which had long perplexed him, and sprung excitedly from the tub with the Arabic equivalent of "Eureka" bursting from his lips, ran to his desk and jotted down the following note to himself;

"Any Mohammedan who commits suicide killing infidels will get seventy-two virgins in Paradise to do his bidding and fulfill his every whim and fantasy"

Now, at first glance, you have to admit that's a pretty effective proposition for a lot of pimply-faced young kids who keep getting shot down in the local singles bar by the hot chicks. Years of having drinks they've just bought for some babe who looks like a "Hooter's" centerfold poured down the front of their pants would tend to make make a lot of Mohammedan nerds begin to think seriously about those seventy-two virgins . . . and Mohammed knew this.

So far, so good . . . .

The only problem was that Mohammed never got around to thinking this thing all the way through.

Apparently, he got distracted while he was frolicking around in bed with his six-year-old wife Aisha ( if a fifty-four year old man can still actually "frolic" . . . ) and lost all his focus on this critical point of Islamic doctrine that has become so relevant in our time. His concentration wavered. His attention flagged. He neglected to work out the details.

And therein lies the problem . . . .

Let's take a look at this in a little more depth, shall we?

Here we have a 17-to-34 year old male Mohammedan, frustrated with life, strapped to the armpits with plastic explosives and ready to get his sweaty little hands on those seventy-two virgins. Out he goes into the street, climbs on a bus and . . .

K-A-A-BLOOIE ! ! !

He sets off the explosives and ascends to Paradise . . .

Again, so far, so good . . .

But now things begin to look a wee bit shaky. First of all, Allah never promised that these would be beautiful ( or, for that matter, even young . . . ) virgins. After they take off their veils, our freshly arrived martyr finds that Allah seems to have given him the wallflowers and bow-wows ( having kept the Jessica Simpsons for himself ) and the young fool never thought to bargain for the best deal like he naturally would have for a pound of apples in the marketplace.

BIG lapse of judgement there on our boy's part !

Now, he's stuck with deflowering all these virgins. Let's be charitable and say that he can manage three a night, that'll take him 24 consecutive nights to finish the job.

And, Islam being what it is, and Allah being who HE is, the poor schmuck's going to have to marry all seventy-two of these now EX-virgins.

Let's think about that. Seventy-two wives. Seventy-two newlywed wives who are now going to have to wait another 24 days before they get any more sex . . . and this is on the honeymoon !

Most guys have trouble satisfying one woman at the best of times. Why would any man in his right mind take the chance of pissing off seventy-two women even if he could keep up the pace?

Not a lot of rational thought there . . .

And, now that he's got seventy-two already bitchy and disgruntled wives, he's bound by Islamic law to provide for each of them equally. Consider the implications of that. It means ponying up for seventy-two new washing machines, seventy-two new dishwashers, seventy-two new strings of pearls, seventy-two new dresses every week, and only Allah knows how many new pairs of shoes the poor cretin will have to fork out his hard earned dinars for.

Wait . . . hard earned dinars ??? When's this poor guy going to have a chance to go to work ??

Even if he did find time for a job, where's he going to find a convenience store in Paradise that'll pay him more than minimum wage? Since the vast majority of suicide bombers are young, unskilled and under-educated, the chances of his getting a mangement position in Paradise are slim to none. You'll probably have noticed by now that none of the leaders of the terrorist groups are out on the front lines blowing themselves to smithereens . . .

And by now, he's got seventy-two SERIOUSLY cranked-off wives at home, with each and every one getting meaner by the day since they're all pregnant as a result of his initial twenty-four day orgy after his "martyrdom".

Ah, seventy-two pregnant wives . . . and now we come to the eventual children.

Yes, children are truly a gift from Allah. A blessing, each and every one of them, for the Mohammedan father. Each and every one of the ten kids those seventy-two wives will each be popping out like candy from a Pez dispenser over the years.

What a wonderfully blissful family scene that conjures to mind. Seventy-two bitchy, screeching, complaining, sex-deprived wives screaming at the seven hundred and twenty kids tearing like little maniacs around the house.

And just think, now our heroic martyr gets to foot the bill for seven hundred and twenty new pairs of designer jeans every three or four months, all the orthodontist's bills, health insurance, school supplies, etc.

Makes your mouth water just imagining that kind of Paradise, doesn't it?

Now, there's one other aspect of this "Seventy-Two Virgins" doctrine of Islam that we haven't considered yet. Not all Islamic terrorists are single men. Some are actually married men with families who thought they'd get out from under the harrow by becoming martyrs and getting in on the seventy-two virgins thing. As we can see, that was sort of like "out of the frying pan into the fire". You really have to pity guys that stupid.

Also, I don't know if you're aware of it, but if a Mohammedan's married here in this life, commits suicide as a terrorist and goes to Paradise and gets his seventy-two virgins, when his wife dies she's still married to him and joins him in Paradise. Most people would think that that would be a pretty degrading position for her to be in, but, personally, I'll bet she'll just be lying on the sofa eating chocolates and laughing her ass off watching her hubby get everything he deserves for bailing out on her and the kids.

For a woman, I think THAT'S true paradise!

It's curious, but neither the Koran or the Haditha mention the rewards awaiting the female suicide terrorists. I guess we can safely assume that they get new washer/dryers and a complete set of Tupperware.

Now, there's just one more point to cover here and we can do it quickly. There are those apologists for Islam who claim that the "seventy-two virgins" is really a mistranslation of the Koranic Arabic and that the true reading should be ( and this is a fact, I'm NOT making it up !) "seventy-two white raisins" !

Seventy-two white raisins . . . . ?!?

As far as I'm concerned, any fool that would blow himself up just to get his hands on "seventy-two white raisins" deserves more than any other individual on the face of God's green earth to have his or her DNA permanently flushed out of the human gene pool.

But that's Islam . . . . go figure . . . . !